This just in: It turns out that metal health will drive you mad. In this regard, at least, Bloodshot meets expectations. You’ll soon realize that “franchise” is actually a French word meaning “around the lip of the commode,” and unfailingly indicates a level of quality on par with month-old pee stains. This isn’t the case, however, as Bloodshot was actually developed by Monolith, a fact which offers a searing indictment of the word “franchise.”Ĭonsider anything that’s been franchised and compare it to something that’s been lovingly crafted and constructed and fawned over, whether it’s a pizza or a cheeseburger or a video game. It felt like one of those poor sequels that was shuttled off to a different developer because the publisher was trying to milk every reluctant cent from the franchise’s pecuniary udder, and the original developer wisely had better shit to do.
About midway through, the story began to make half as much sense as Betti’s, but it was a unique and intensely atmospheric game with a likable protagonist and tooth-shattering brutality, registering a solid 8.9 on the Damn-I-Just-Shit-On-Myself meter.Ĭondemned 2: Bloodshot fails to live up to its older brother’s accomplishments in every way. The original Condemned: Criminal Origins was the Xbox’s finest launch title, easily manhandling the likes of Perfect Dark Zero and Kameo: Elements of Power, and edging out Medal of Duty 23 by a solid grenade toss and a half. Happily, that is, until they played Condemned 2: Bloodshot on the Xbox 360, after which they voluntarily removed their own corneas with a belt sander. And everyone except Doucharius - because Betti and the oxcart repairman ran off together in a fit of crazed, self-absorbed concupiscence - lived happily after whatever, and all that stuff there.
She therefore engaged the services of Generica’s finest oxcart repairman to bake for her a large, sixteen-layer chocolate cake with asparagus-mint icing, which was delicious but did little to satisfy her craving for a plate of cold self-demise, so she enrolled in a correspondence course to earn a degree in Ayurvedic medicine and psychokinetic hamster fluffing. Because she was alarmingly fond of mango chutney, Betti’s parents insisted that she was to marry the deviously handsome Doucharius, a man to whom her father owed a considerable amount of money and who would occasionally step on a cat if no one was around to witness this apparent act of cruelty, even though the cat didn’t actually seem to mind.Īfter her marriage to Doucharius, Betti wanted nothing more than to slink off somewhere and die. Long ago, in the land of Generica, there lived a pretty young woman named Betti. There’s no “I” in “Condemned 2: Bloodshot made me want to yell very loudly at an adorable beagle puppy.